Thursday, 12 April 2012

TOWIE's back! Here's how to get the reem look.

No-one can deny that the TOWIE girls are, like, the undisputed queens of the “more is more” look. However, it isn’t as easy as you might think to fit in with the totes exclusive Essex crowd… but never fear! With TOWIE back on our screens this Sunday (10pm, ITV2) for the start of series five, I’ve got the definitive guide to looking reem: all your mates will be well jel and you’ll be able to pass for a regular down Sugar Hut before you know it. (If confused... see my Essex Dictionary and Glossary below)

  •       Fake tan – to really master the Essex look, you’ll need to cover yourself from head to toe in the slimy, biscuity-smelling stuff, and when you think you’re sufficiently orange, that’s exactly the cue to put on some more. “Burnt terracotta” is the desired shade – the aim is to cause as many reactions along the lines of “Sha’aaaap!” as possible. (Estimated time: Two hours, plus time to sink in)
  •       Fake eyelashes – falsies are, like, totes a must. After all, you wouldn't want to look like a natural human being now, would you, babes? And just the one pair won’t cut it – think like Katie Price and layer those babies up until they’re weighing down your eye lids so much that you can barely keep your peepers open. Sexy, yeah? (30 mins)
  •       Fake nails (are you sensing a trend along the lines of fake?) – any Essex girl worth her leopard print knows that acrylic nails are the way to go, preferably so long that you can’t actually do anything with your hands. The ability to do up buttons? No thanks, I’d totes rather leave them undone but be able to, like, scratch my head easily. (One hour)
  •        Make-up – cake it on with a shovel (if you accidentally scratched your cheek, you should be able to scrape off a good inch under those nails). And obvs all that fake tan isn’t going to be enough, so it’s time to pile on the bronzer, preferably with really obvious flecks of glitter in. Then add some more glitter for good measure. If you can’t afford lip fillers, a plumping gloss is, like, a necessity to master the permanent pout. Reem. (One and a half hours)
  •        Hair– the bigger the better, yeah babes? Hair is, like, a major priority for any Essex girl, so it’s worthwhile investing in rollers, extensions and hair dye (oh my gawwwd you totes wouldn’t just stick with what you have naturally!) (Three to six hours)
  •        Clothes – throw away everything you own, and replace it all with items two sizes too small. Obvs you gotta show off the result of your “no carbs before Marbs” hard work! Anything Swarovski encrusted, animal print or neon is a yes, or just, like, hit up Minnie’s Boutique to be safe. Miniskirts and stupidly high heels are totes obligatory (who would want to walk when you could awkwardly totter around in pain?), along with push-up bras forcing your boobs into your face. So hot, yeah? (However long you’ve got…)
  •        And finally, the vajazzle – what is there to say? Why wouldn’t you want a blinged-up nether region? And girls, you’re not the only ones who get to enjoy this accessory – seriously, on my life, the pejazzle is upon us. (However long you can hack it)

Well there you have it. Now that you’ve got the look, all you need to do is perfect your attitude and you’re sorted. The simple way to do that: start every sentence with “Oh my gawwwd, yeah”, and you’re good to go! Excessive? Sha’ap, babes! Sugar Hut had totes better watch out…

Essex Dictionary:
Sha’ap = oh my goodness (expression of disbelief)
Reem = attractive (a term of endearment)
Oh my gawwd = golly gosh
Well jel = feeling envious resentment
Totes = absolutely, completely (an intensifier, derived from “totally”)
Obvs = lacking in subtlety (derived from “obviously”)

Essex Glossary:
Sugar Hut – The favourite nightclub, bar and restaurant of the TOWIE gang.
Minnie’s Boutique – The fashion store run by TOWIE stars and sisters, Billie and Sam Faiers, regularly frequented by the Essex girls.


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